Want

On occasion movies, or even music, will make me question my life. They make me look within and wonder, is this it, is this what I am, is this my best life? They make me want, rather, crave a richer and more meaningful life. To squeeze more from the moments in my life and let the juice run down my arm. They often make me long for a life very different than the one I’m living, often one to the extreme. Like selling everything and actually experiencing that list of “Places to be explored”. Or, taking time off to learn something completely and utterly new. Or, finding more substance or significance in relationships between people.

But something holds me back. Is it fear? Probably, and can be as equal in its intensity as the need to make change itself. Ultimately this can cause me shame. Shame on not taking a risk or having faith enough in myself to feel confident to pursue something I want so desperately, causes me to pace in frustration.

This quest to find meaning, to explore the rich backdrop of life becomes physical. My feelings are at the skin’s surface…just waiting for the smallest of prodding to be released. I become reflective, perceptive and sensitive. Even brooding. Tears can come as easily as a smile and it’s often the smallest of things that can elicit these responses. And I long for a soul who can understand and recognize this contradiction. Who will hold my hand and gently pull me to help gain my momentum, to watch me find my legs and share my excitement as I turn back and smile at him when I’ve begun my journey.