Anticipation

I close my eyes and begin thumbing through the images of you from last night. I’ve been doing this so often since you left, the corners are beginning to wear. I took them to bed with me as I closed the door behind you. And today they have been my dirty little secrets, hidden from view, as I went about my day. I’ve been savoring them, letting them stroke my skin and brain. Your voice, a temporary salve to this heat you have created. But it’s you I really crave. Your touch and strength. The uncanny way you can read my mind and know what I want and sometimes can’t admit. Your smile and laugh that are so contagious I find myself smiling as I write this. The tease of what’s to come, of what I know I shouldn’t but want to none-the-less. Rules thrown out the window, but knowing inside, I could not have resisted much longer. Missing you.

photo credit

Inappropriate men

Why and how do they find me?

Why does it have be incredible sex?

Why do I want more?

I want more.

Where is this going?

What is this? A boy, no…a man, opening my heart. Speaking honestly, about wants, and needs and fears so early on in this relationship – so new, it feels funny even calling it a relationship. Why am I allowing my barriers to be penetrated, and so easily? What is it about this man that let’s me speak the truth without fear or consequence? It’s not real. There is a catch. Surely I can’t trust this.

Once Upon a Time

I wonder if I’ve missed my happily ever after. Do you have just one? Did I scrounge mine away on a man, for over 10 years, took me for granted and stole bits and pieces of my identity until I turned into the woman he wanted me to be. And then I feel resentful for allowing this to happen to me and punish him for it in ways I didn’t even realize. Only to be completely betrayed, in the most humiliating way, with his admission of infidelity? The divorce is many years behind me now and I’m a better woman for it and don’t miss my past life at all. But what I wonder most often is, did I miss my fairy tale ending? I’m a complete closet romantic. You would never know it from the tough and independent exterior. But I do have a soft side, an emotional heart that wishes on shooting stars, and dares to hope, for my slice, at a life of love. So you see, even after this deep hurt, I still believe in my happy ending. I’ve had opportunities at love, but I was scared…scared of loving again, and losing control and letting go and allowing my heart to be at risk. So I kept up the guise of independent, single girl, out for fun and stories and no need for baggage and passed on good men who loved me. I wonder still, maybe even hope, that I wasn’t ready for love then, or they were not my happy ending after all…because I can’t bare the thought of having passed it by.

Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.