Be True

His smile and this song make me…smile.

True to Myself – Ziggy Marley

life has come a long way since yesterday I say
and its not the same old thing over again I say
just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself I say
cause I can't make you happy unless I am I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

day in day out I've asked many questions I say
only to find the truth it never changes I say
if you don't deal with it it keeps killing you a little by little I say
call me selfish if you will my life I alone can live I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

I don't care if it hurts I'm tired of lies and all these games
I've reached a point in life no longer can I be this way
don't come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears
I'm moving on yes I'm grooving on well I'm finally free I've

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself
got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

Pairings

What is about the buttery softness of parmigiano reggiano that couples so beautifully with a big, robust red wine?

Relationships

The grass is not always greener on the other side. I know this. I know that what I crave right now (intimacy and companionship, even love) someone else is wishing for the things I have (independence, freedom, and choice). No one is ever completely happy with their lives. There is always something we need or want or hope for. It doesn’t make it any easier to know that even if we get what we want, we will want for something different later. As I get older, I see more of the details in relationships. I wonder, is marriage realistic in today’s world? I tried it once, but it didn’t take. And now, older, wiser and able to separate the romance from real life, I’m not sure I could do it again. As I write this I don’t know one person who has ever been monogamous in a relationship. Is marriage born from some religious point of view? Or from a time when people married to bear children to help work the farm. And – at any point along the way, have we always been monogamous? I think that along the path of life, we need different things from different people. I think the hope that one person can be that provider of all things, is not realistic. And, as we evolve and change over time, our needs do too. How can we expect our partner to evolve in the same way and still provide us with our changing needs? I do know that through life, we find people who resonate with us and the timing of their needs matches the timing of our own. In this kismet moment, I think it’s important to explore all possibilities. To wring all the life from this happenstance instant and take the experience and push forward, move on and learn more about yourself and what new needs this experience will define.

There is a new series on HBO called “Tell Me You Love Me”. It’s remarkably done. It is something anyone can understand, regardless of relationship status. I would recommend watching it. It could be a lens into your own world or the world you think you desire. Here is a snippet from a blog I enjoy lurking about on commenting on this show: Erika Lust

And the writing of creator and executive producer Cynthia Mort is spot on - it never flinches. She has absolutely nailed the small moments in every relationship - the not talking, the talking around, the quick, hurt expressions and forced intimacy. The series is shot with an almost uncomfortable cinema verite closeness, the camera probing ever nearer. At times dark and claustrophobic, it never once relents for wide angles or sweeping pans. It wants to be in the face of these couples, capturing what they're thinking and not saying.

In search of peace

What is it that I want to say here? I know I feel the need to vent but the words are unable to travel from my brain to my fingers on the keyboard. The cursor is taunting me; it’s slow and steady blink just waiting to transcribe my thoughts to words. Man, it's patient.

My mind has been tangle of words, thoughts, needs and they refuse to be put into any order. It just feels like noise in my head. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one thing. When I do, another thought pops into my brain and sends me down a completely different path only to come to the end and wonder, what was I doing before this. I walk up stairs and forget why I’m there. I launch an email and momentarily wonder what the topic was. At least I remember my name and where I live otherwise I would be very concerned I’m an early age candidate for Alzheimer’s.

I’m mildly concerned with this mind mess. It’s unlike me to feel this disorganized, disjointed and loss of control. It may be work related as I’m as busy as I’ve ever been in my professional career. Add to that, my personal life is a bit of a mess. And the cherry on the top, is that I’m trying to turn a few new leaves in my life right now. I don’t have a facet in my life at the moment that isn’t in some sort of chaos or flux. I haven’t felt at peace in about 30 days until just a few days ago.

A trip to the desert in the middle of the night helped, even if only momentarily. Imagine a girl in a convertible, driving through the night, chasing some sort of sanctuary. At one point, I pulled over to the side of the road, killed the engine and lights and leaned back the seat. I gazed up at the black sky and watched the stars shine over me. I saw shooting stars, I recognized planets and I realized that the world is a lot bigger than all this shit. I sighed a lot…trying to expel the negativity, stress and tension. I talked to the universe and asked a lot of ‘whys’…it didn’t answer. I was watched by a coyote in the distance that I want to think was protecting me and not trying to devour me. I took some pictures, not really composing, but just wanting to record. I didn’t want to leave…leave the peace I finally lassoed. And today, in the light of ‘real life’ that peacefulness seems many miles away…but I have the pictures to prove it actually existed, if only for a moment.

Simple Pleasures

I love finding joy in the little things in life. I don’t see them everyday. But after a long weekend with no work and nothing but free time, they were aplenty. Tonight they seem especially bountiful. Here are just a few of those observations.

- Waking to smell of coffee brewing
- The smell of freshly folded laundry
- The rolling rumble of boiling water and the hiss of olive oil hitting a hot pan
- Watching the fading light and the shadows appear
- The sound of a cork being released from it’s hold in a really good bottle of red
- The ring of good crystal
- Watching a French movie and all the subtle ways they say “Oui”
- The windows open and the soft sound of the wind, the occasional bark of a dog and snippets of conversation
- Ripe strawberries and their sweetness on your lips and tongue
- Hearing yourself sigh and realizing it’s full of nothing but satisfaction and contentment

Tell me, what little thing gave you pleasure today?