Stew instead of Soup

I want my life to be like stew instead of soup. This statement rolled across my mind recently and I thought how succinct this is. I’ve been going through a life review of sorts. Deciding what is important to me and what should be tossed to curb. And how much my life is wasted on the peripheral and how my time would be better spent on those things that matter. Really, just making thick rue instead of being satisfied with broth

I’m back from the best vacation ever. A birthday celebration that was just how I pictured. A week of family, friends, great food, amazing wine, and a town that calls to me, even now, a thousand miles away, I still hear it’s voice. It teases me with its ease and sensibility. The green rolling hills and cool nights. The smell of star jasmine and the sound of baby birds nesting outside my window. Acoustic guitar, the smell of morning coffee I didn’t fix, and fresh flowers everywhere. Not once thinking of work and instead focusing on long massages, fresh seafood, and smiling….all the time.

I realize vacation is not the benchmark by which we can measure everyday life, but it should be the menu of choices we try to incorporate into out daily schedule.

In search of peace

What is it that I want to say here? I know I feel the need to vent but the words are unable to travel from my brain to my fingers on the keyboard. The cursor is taunting me; it’s slow and steady blink just waiting to transcribe my thoughts to words. Man, it's patient.

My mind has been tangle of words, thoughts, needs and they refuse to be put into any order. It just feels like noise in my head. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one thing. When I do, another thought pops into my brain and sends me down a completely different path only to come to the end and wonder, what was I doing before this. I walk up stairs and forget why I’m there. I launch an email and momentarily wonder what the topic was. At least I remember my name and where I live otherwise I would be very concerned I’m an early age candidate for Alzheimer’s.

I’m mildly concerned with this mind mess. It’s unlike me to feel this disorganized, disjointed and loss of control. It may be work related as I’m as busy as I’ve ever been in my professional career. Add to that, my personal life is a bit of a mess. And the cherry on the top, is that I’m trying to turn a few new leaves in my life right now. I don’t have a facet in my life at the moment that isn’t in some sort of chaos or flux. I haven’t felt at peace in about 30 days until just a few days ago.

A trip to the desert in the middle of the night helped, even if only momentarily. Imagine a girl in a convertible, driving through the night, chasing some sort of sanctuary. At one point, I pulled over to the side of the road, killed the engine and lights and leaned back the seat. I gazed up at the black sky and watched the stars shine over me. I saw shooting stars, I recognized planets and I realized that the world is a lot bigger than all this shit. I sighed a lot…trying to expel the negativity, stress and tension. I talked to the universe and asked a lot of ‘whys’…it didn’t answer. I was watched by a coyote in the distance that I want to think was protecting me and not trying to devour me. I took some pictures, not really composing, but just wanting to record. I didn’t want to leave…leave the peace I finally lassoed. And today, in the light of ‘real life’ that peacefulness seems many miles away…but I have the pictures to prove it actually existed, if only for a moment.

Want

On occasion movies, or even music, will make me question my life. They make me look within and wonder, is this it, is this what I am, is this my best life? They make me want, rather, crave a richer and more meaningful life. To squeeze more from the moments in my life and let the juice run down my arm. They often make me long for a life very different than the one I’m living, often one to the extreme. Like selling everything and actually experiencing that list of “Places to be explored”. Or, taking time off to learn something completely and utterly new. Or, finding more substance or significance in relationships between people.

But something holds me back. Is it fear? Probably, and can be as equal in its intensity as the need to make change itself. Ultimately this can cause me shame. Shame on not taking a risk or having faith enough in myself to feel confident to pursue something I want so desperately, causes me to pace in frustration.

This quest to find meaning, to explore the rich backdrop of life becomes physical. My feelings are at the skin’s surface…just waiting for the smallest of prodding to be released. I become reflective, perceptive and sensitive. Even brooding. Tears can come as easily as a smile and it’s often the smallest of things that can elicit these responses. And I long for a soul who can understand and recognize this contradiction. Who will hold my hand and gently pull me to help gain my momentum, to watch me find my legs and share my excitement as I turn back and smile at him when I’ve begun my journey.