Dreams

I pay attention to my dreams. I think they are often the subconscious telling our conscience mind something…or at least hinting to an itch in our psyche. I dream a lot about work and find they remind me of things I have not anticipated or have completely forgotten. I also think they are a way to explore situations we might be too afraid to do in real life yet still wonder about. I think my most recent dream would fall into this last example. A few nights ago, I dreamt about being in bed with two men. It wasn’t an all out sex dream, but more of a moment of intimacy. The two men in the dream are men in my life. One I have a history with and one that I don’t but have been wondering about. The snippet of the dream, before it was so rudely interrupted by the alarm, was really just a snapshot of a moment. We were lying in a big bed in the middle of the afternoon. It was fall, the windows were open, and the cool breeze was blowing through the room, rustling the curtains. In the dream, I see 3 arms all toppled together. Mine, of fair skin, in between two others darker than my own. I was lying on my stomach, my face turned toward the older of the two, and the young man lying between my legs with his face upon my ass. It was innocent, we had our clothes on, but the anticipation swirling around the room was as real as if there was fog shrouding our bodies. I have not been able to get it out of my mind. The details are as fresh now as they were when I woke up. My minds eye photograph of this moment is something that I would want to capture with my camera in real life. The innocence, the possibility, the beauty of love and intimacy. Which, to most, would seem a contradiction between 3 people…and that contradiction, or breaking of the norm, I revel in.

My views of hotels

They are my second home. I love the feeling of anonymity they allow and a sort of “Howard Hughes” safe haven they provide me. I like the views they inspire and the possibilities of voyeurism and exhibitionism they provoke. The neighboring sounds are always distinct and personal. Over the years, I have heard moans, and sighs and pain. I love that they stimulate the ‘dirty girl’ in me and conversely make me want to be swaddled in fresh linen and be waited upon. I like the routine they provide…open blinds to see view, unpack suitcase, put out toiletries, hang up all clothes, check quality of pillows, unpack laptop and power charges for all electronic devices and set wake up calls. I laugh when checking out the attendant asks “What room number” and I have to think, and then really think, so as to not confuse it from the last trip. I am amazed that at times, I can be walking through the lobby and not remember what city I’m in. I enjoy the ease of conversation that can occur between other fellow travelers over cocktails at the lobby bar. I like striking out to find something distinct about the city I’m in, on my own, and with no direction. Whether it be the local tavern, sushi bar or family owned restaurant. I’ve tasted about 100 club sandwiches at 2 in the morning after a long night of drinking; I have consumed many $8.00 mini bar beers and have even dared eating the infamous $10 bag of cashews. As hotels are constantly vying for business, I am a loyal follower to the following:

- Please have an open plug next to the bed for my phone, because when I’m on the road, time zones don’t exist.
- Please have an open power source by the desk and an easy way to access the internet from my room. And, better yet, have internet access be free.
- Offer room service 24 hours 7 days a week. My schedule doesn’t revolve around yours. I actually sometimes work until well after midnight and haven’t eaten since breakfast.
- Give me enough hangers to actually use for a week’s worth of clothes. I don’t care if they are the ’little head hangers’, just give me enough
- Always have an iron and ironing board in the room
- Give me actual glass drinking glasses. If they are plastic cups in plastic sleeves, forgetaboutit. Besides, when I put my toothbrush in one, the plastic cups tip over.
- Provide me with a choice of pillows. Feather and other – I will find one out of 6 that will suit me.
- Give me something special about my stay. For example at the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Toronto, they provide all things Zen. Mats for meditation, choices of incense, soothing in room water fountains, and inspiration stones left on your pillow during turn down service.
- Have a spa. If there is a spa on site, you are likely to get my business. And, if you are open past 7pm, you are really likely to get my business.
- And finally, and maybe most importantly, give me a view. This might be the only time I see beyond hard walls the whole time I’m in your city. I will be grateful for it while I’m there and will remember when I leave.

It’s funny, my friends see my job as glamorous, in that I travel all over the world, and I’m in some new city every month. But I envy them and the ability to stay home, and not pull out the suitcase, and be able to have pets, keep plants alive, take night classes, and have weekends home for family, friends or just themselves.

Be True

His smile and this song make me…smile.

True to Myself – Ziggy Marley

life has come a long way since yesterday I say
and its not the same old thing over again I say
just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself I say
cause I can't make you happy unless I am I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

day in day out I've asked many questions I say
only to find the truth it never changes I say
if you don't deal with it it keeps killing you a little by little I say
call me selfish if you will my life I alone can live I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

I don't care if it hurts I'm tired of lies and all these games
I've reached a point in life no longer can I be this way
don't come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears
I'm moving on yes I'm grooving on well I'm finally free I've

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself
got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

Pairings

What is about the buttery softness of parmigiano reggiano that couples so beautifully with a big, robust red wine?

Relationships

The grass is not always greener on the other side. I know this. I know that what I crave right now (intimacy and companionship, even love) someone else is wishing for the things I have (independence, freedom, and choice). No one is ever completely happy with their lives. There is always something we need or want or hope for. It doesn’t make it any easier to know that even if we get what we want, we will want for something different later. As I get older, I see more of the details in relationships. I wonder, is marriage realistic in today’s world? I tried it once, but it didn’t take. And now, older, wiser and able to separate the romance from real life, I’m not sure I could do it again. As I write this I don’t know one person who has ever been monogamous in a relationship. Is marriage born from some religious point of view? Or from a time when people married to bear children to help work the farm. And – at any point along the way, have we always been monogamous? I think that along the path of life, we need different things from different people. I think the hope that one person can be that provider of all things, is not realistic. And, as we evolve and change over time, our needs do too. How can we expect our partner to evolve in the same way and still provide us with our changing needs? I do know that through life, we find people who resonate with us and the timing of their needs matches the timing of our own. In this kismet moment, I think it’s important to explore all possibilities. To wring all the life from this happenstance instant and take the experience and push forward, move on and learn more about yourself and what new needs this experience will define.

There is a new series on HBO called “Tell Me You Love Me”. It’s remarkably done. It is something anyone can understand, regardless of relationship status. I would recommend watching it. It could be a lens into your own world or the world you think you desire. Here is a snippet from a blog I enjoy lurking about on commenting on this show: Erika Lust

And the writing of creator and executive producer Cynthia Mort is spot on - it never flinches. She has absolutely nailed the small moments in every relationship - the not talking, the talking around, the quick, hurt expressions and forced intimacy. The series is shot with an almost uncomfortable cinema verite closeness, the camera probing ever nearer. At times dark and claustrophobic, it never once relents for wide angles or sweeping pans. It wants to be in the face of these couples, capturing what they're thinking and not saying.

In search of peace

What is it that I want to say here? I know I feel the need to vent but the words are unable to travel from my brain to my fingers on the keyboard. The cursor is taunting me; it’s slow and steady blink just waiting to transcribe my thoughts to words. Man, it's patient.

My mind has been tangle of words, thoughts, needs and they refuse to be put into any order. It just feels like noise in my head. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one thing. When I do, another thought pops into my brain and sends me down a completely different path only to come to the end and wonder, what was I doing before this. I walk up stairs and forget why I’m there. I launch an email and momentarily wonder what the topic was. At least I remember my name and where I live otherwise I would be very concerned I’m an early age candidate for Alzheimer’s.

I’m mildly concerned with this mind mess. It’s unlike me to feel this disorganized, disjointed and loss of control. It may be work related as I’m as busy as I’ve ever been in my professional career. Add to that, my personal life is a bit of a mess. And the cherry on the top, is that I’m trying to turn a few new leaves in my life right now. I don’t have a facet in my life at the moment that isn’t in some sort of chaos or flux. I haven’t felt at peace in about 30 days until just a few days ago.

A trip to the desert in the middle of the night helped, even if only momentarily. Imagine a girl in a convertible, driving through the night, chasing some sort of sanctuary. At one point, I pulled over to the side of the road, killed the engine and lights and leaned back the seat. I gazed up at the black sky and watched the stars shine over me. I saw shooting stars, I recognized planets and I realized that the world is a lot bigger than all this shit. I sighed a lot…trying to expel the negativity, stress and tension. I talked to the universe and asked a lot of ‘whys’…it didn’t answer. I was watched by a coyote in the distance that I want to think was protecting me and not trying to devour me. I took some pictures, not really composing, but just wanting to record. I didn’t want to leave…leave the peace I finally lassoed. And today, in the light of ‘real life’ that peacefulness seems many miles away…but I have the pictures to prove it actually existed, if only for a moment.

Simple Pleasures

I love finding joy in the little things in life. I don’t see them everyday. But after a long weekend with no work and nothing but free time, they were aplenty. Tonight they seem especially bountiful. Here are just a few of those observations.

- Waking to smell of coffee brewing
- The smell of freshly folded laundry
- The rolling rumble of boiling water and the hiss of olive oil hitting a hot pan
- Watching the fading light and the shadows appear
- The sound of a cork being released from it’s hold in a really good bottle of red
- The ring of good crystal
- Watching a French movie and all the subtle ways they say “Oui”
- The windows open and the soft sound of the wind, the occasional bark of a dog and snippets of conversation
- Ripe strawberries and their sweetness on your lips and tongue
- Hearing yourself sigh and realizing it’s full of nothing but satisfaction and contentment

Tell me, what little thing gave you pleasure today?

Me – in all the wonderfully weird ways

23 Random things I love: (and of course, in no particular order)

1. Listening to the rain
2. Spirited conversation
3. Fresh, crisp white sheets
4. Full moons
5. Hanging out in my local coffee shop, with an iPod, and book
6. The sound of crashing waves
7. Really good red wine shared with someone who also appreciates it
8. My mom’s hugs
9. Discovering someplace new in my local neighborhood
10. Discovering a new place that required crossing an ocean to find
11. Holding hands and first kisses
12. The smell of toast
13. “Super Bubble” Bubble Gum
14. Any museum of art
15. Watching someone blow glass
16. Massages
17. Dive Bars
18. Sunsets but not sunrises
19. Convertibles
20. Multi-function ‘adult’ toys
21. Christmas
22. College Football
23. Books that let me lose time and place


21 Random things I despise:

1. The sound of teeth being scraped over a fork
2. Close talkers
3. People with no real opinions on anything
4. RSVP yes – but then don’t show
5. Sitting in the back of the plane
6. Discrimination – on any level
7. Peas
8. Licorice
9. Smoking
10. Not giving your everything in what you do
11. Carnations
12. Reality TV
13. Junk mail
14. Reading instructions
15. Having to wake to the sound of an alarm
16. Cleaning my house (and why I must have a helper)
17. Failure to provide the “thank you wave” in good driving etiquette
18. Feeling overwhelmed and not seeing the light
19. All my best friends don’t live in the same city I do
20. Wine coolers, box wine, pink wine or any combination
21. White socks with black shoes

Bound Freedom

While flipping through the 1000+ TV stations, I stumbled onto a movie called: Lie with Me

This is a quote from the movie:
You have to wait until you are uncovered
You have to wait with someone naked
And then you have to wait some more.

This movie sometimes feels like my life. I like the power of sex. I like the unattached, raw emotion of unencumbered sex. I enjoy the dangers of these moments and how completely unlike me I can become. I find surprised satisfaction in finding a man that is able to exert his power over me as I’m usually the aggressor.

Yet, are they just wonderful distractions to taking a risk, becoming vulnerable and possibly stumbling into something true?

I think I’m a walking contradiction.

Today's Trip

All I need now is the pink taffeta dress, dyed to match shoes and a boy in a rented tux with a condom in his pocket he is hoping to use!

This is what my ‘car service’ looked like today. I did actually take a minute to enjoy it by taking my shoes off, putting my feet up and wondering what it must be like to live the life of a rock star. I’ve been in limos before, but they are not so common in my life that the need to push all the buttons on the control panel has gone away. I had to restrain myself from pressing the ‘lights’ button, but oh I wanted to!

Later, my view was incredible. Little did I know Mother Nature has a special treat for me. If you didn’t already know from past blog, I am a big fan of clouds. My travel schedule affords me many views of the sky and I never grow tired of it.

I Want...

I’m crawling out of my skin. I need a fix... a human fix. I want to touch a being, kiss a soul, bite flesh and breathe in the need for me as I exhale the need for them. I want to lose my bearing and direction as I tumble and tangle myself in another. Standard language is unrecognizable as moans and sighs become prevalent. Hunger is the goal and fulfillment the action of every movement and want. I need it to be rough, and passionate, and tenderly painful. I want bruises that are kissed in the morning’s light. I want tender lips, that when traced by my fingertips, elicit secret smiles that everyone around me wants to know. I want laughter and hugs that know no end. I want toes touching as we sleep and waking with your body wanting more. And I want to repeat it all again.

Friendship

In my close circle of friends, my role is of the rock. They look to me for advice, leadership and more importantly, unconditional love and support. I’m the constant in their worlds of drama, insecurities and tears. I give good hugs, have strong shoulders and sound advice. I’ve really just been the lucky one of us all with good parents who provided the opportunities, discipline and love all children need growing up. I think this is really the only difference among us all and why they seek approval and unconditional love as they never really got it when they were children.

However, my strength does wan. I tire of being the one who always has to be responsible and disciplined enough to always follow the right path. Who do I lean on? I don’t want to turn to them for I’m afraid if they see their rock has cracks they will lose their ever present hand hold and, when in need again, question their ability to turn to me. What am I to do?

Words can change perceptions

I love it when I completely stumble across another’s opinion that matches my own, yet is much better written. This is a section of a blog from Ravenous Searching of a subject that has been rattling around my brain of late. Thank you for expressing it so perfectly.

At this point in my life, I feel like I have earned the right to be as slutty as I want to be--or not. What exactly would I be saving myself for at this point? I don't want to get married and I am trying to arrange my future so that I definitely will not "need" a man. I don't want to be a wife--I want to be a partner that you choose to be with. I don't want to be coy trying to elicit some sort of respect that a man reserves only for good girls. Respect me because I know what I want and I will not make you try to guess. I will not revirginate for anyone. I have earned my sexual stripes and my independence. I treasure my knowledge and experience, and so will you.

Click here to see it in its entirety.

Thoughts of me and you and me, and you again.

My sister called me while listening to a live performance of a band she and I both love. She just called and let me listen to the music…no words, no trying to shout over the music…nothing but allowing me to enjoy the moment.

This is actually the second time she did this for me in as many weeks. I loved it. I loved that she thought of me while completely enjoying the performance, so much so, she wanted to share it with me. So she picked up the phone and called.

This makes me wonder…how many times do you think you are thought of by others in a day? I mean I know I think of others all the time. They drift through my mind from the moment I wake until I finally force myself to sleep at night. The faces are many. There are those that I haven’t seen in years and probably won’t for years to come. There are those that have caused me hurt. There are those I miss terribly. There are those I worry about, long for and wonder about. My closest circle of friends and family are part of the normal rotation, but then there is always the random playlist. Like the boyfriend I had in my sophomore year of high school, various teachers during school, a bartender I knew at a favorite restaurant, and a poet who I inspired. I’m not completely sure of the triggers that send them from the subconscious on deck circle to the batter’s box. But there they appear. As fresh in memory as if I saw them yesterday. I wish I knew who thought of me.

Glory Box by Portishead

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just. . .
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever
Its time to move over... ...

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