Me – in all the wonderfully weird ways

23 Random things I love: (and of course, in no particular order)

1. Listening to the rain
2. Spirited conversation
3. Fresh, crisp white sheets
4. Full moons
5. Hanging out in my local coffee shop, with an iPod, and book
6. The sound of crashing waves
7. Really good red wine shared with someone who also appreciates it
8. My mom’s hugs
9. Discovering someplace new in my local neighborhood
10. Discovering a new place that required crossing an ocean to find
11. Holding hands and first kisses
12. The smell of toast
13. “Super Bubble” Bubble Gum
14. Any museum of art
15. Watching someone blow glass
16. Massages
17. Dive Bars
18. Sunsets but not sunrises
19. Convertibles
20. Multi-function ‘adult’ toys
21. Christmas
22. College Football
23. Books that let me lose time and place


21 Random things I despise:

1. The sound of teeth being scraped over a fork
2. Close talkers
3. People with no real opinions on anything
4. RSVP yes – but then don’t show
5. Sitting in the back of the plane
6. Discrimination – on any level
7. Peas
8. Licorice
9. Smoking
10. Not giving your everything in what you do
11. Carnations
12. Reality TV
13. Junk mail
14. Reading instructions
15. Having to wake to the sound of an alarm
16. Cleaning my house (and why I must have a helper)
17. Failure to provide the “thank you wave” in good driving etiquette
18. Feeling overwhelmed and not seeing the light
19. All my best friends don’t live in the same city I do
20. Wine coolers, box wine, pink wine or any combination
21. White socks with black shoes

Bound Freedom

While flipping through the 1000+ TV stations, I stumbled onto a movie called: Lie with Me

This is a quote from the movie:
You have to wait until you are uncovered
You have to wait with someone naked
And then you have to wait some more.

This movie sometimes feels like my life. I like the power of sex. I like the unattached, raw emotion of unencumbered sex. I enjoy the dangers of these moments and how completely unlike me I can become. I find surprised satisfaction in finding a man that is able to exert his power over me as I’m usually the aggressor.

Yet, are they just wonderful distractions to taking a risk, becoming vulnerable and possibly stumbling into something true?

I think I’m a walking contradiction.

Today's Trip

All I need now is the pink taffeta dress, dyed to match shoes and a boy in a rented tux with a condom in his pocket he is hoping to use!

This is what my ‘car service’ looked like today. I did actually take a minute to enjoy it by taking my shoes off, putting my feet up and wondering what it must be like to live the life of a rock star. I’ve been in limos before, but they are not so common in my life that the need to push all the buttons on the control panel has gone away. I had to restrain myself from pressing the ‘lights’ button, but oh I wanted to!

Later, my view was incredible. Little did I know Mother Nature has a special treat for me. If you didn’t already know from past blog, I am a big fan of clouds. My travel schedule affords me many views of the sky and I never grow tired of it.

I Want...

I’m crawling out of my skin. I need a fix... a human fix. I want to touch a being, kiss a soul, bite flesh and breathe in the need for me as I exhale the need for them. I want to lose my bearing and direction as I tumble and tangle myself in another. Standard language is unrecognizable as moans and sighs become prevalent. Hunger is the goal and fulfillment the action of every movement and want. I need it to be rough, and passionate, and tenderly painful. I want bruises that are kissed in the morning’s light. I want tender lips, that when traced by my fingertips, elicit secret smiles that everyone around me wants to know. I want laughter and hugs that know no end. I want toes touching as we sleep and waking with your body wanting more. And I want to repeat it all again.

Friendship

In my close circle of friends, my role is of the rock. They look to me for advice, leadership and more importantly, unconditional love and support. I’m the constant in their worlds of drama, insecurities and tears. I give good hugs, have strong shoulders and sound advice. I’ve really just been the lucky one of us all with good parents who provided the opportunities, discipline and love all children need growing up. I think this is really the only difference among us all and why they seek approval and unconditional love as they never really got it when they were children.

However, my strength does wan. I tire of being the one who always has to be responsible and disciplined enough to always follow the right path. Who do I lean on? I don’t want to turn to them for I’m afraid if they see their rock has cracks they will lose their ever present hand hold and, when in need again, question their ability to turn to me. What am I to do?

Words can change perceptions

I love it when I completely stumble across another’s opinion that matches my own, yet is much better written. This is a section of a blog from Ravenous Searching of a subject that has been rattling around my brain of late. Thank you for expressing it so perfectly.

At this point in my life, I feel like I have earned the right to be as slutty as I want to be--or not. What exactly would I be saving myself for at this point? I don't want to get married and I am trying to arrange my future so that I definitely will not "need" a man. I don't want to be a wife--I want to be a partner that you choose to be with. I don't want to be coy trying to elicit some sort of respect that a man reserves only for good girls. Respect me because I know what I want and I will not make you try to guess. I will not revirginate for anyone. I have earned my sexual stripes and my independence. I treasure my knowledge and experience, and so will you.

Click here to see it in its entirety.

Thoughts of me and you and me, and you again.

My sister called me while listening to a live performance of a band she and I both love. She just called and let me listen to the music…no words, no trying to shout over the music…nothing but allowing me to enjoy the moment.

This is actually the second time she did this for me in as many weeks. I loved it. I loved that she thought of me while completely enjoying the performance, so much so, she wanted to share it with me. So she picked up the phone and called.

This makes me wonder…how many times do you think you are thought of by others in a day? I mean I know I think of others all the time. They drift through my mind from the moment I wake until I finally force myself to sleep at night. The faces are many. There are those that I haven’t seen in years and probably won’t for years to come. There are those that have caused me hurt. There are those I miss terribly. There are those I worry about, long for and wonder about. My closest circle of friends and family are part of the normal rotation, but then there is always the random playlist. Like the boyfriend I had in my sophomore year of high school, various teachers during school, a bartender I knew at a favorite restaurant, and a poet who I inspired. I’m not completely sure of the triggers that send them from the subconscious on deck circle to the batter’s box. But there they appear. As fresh in memory as if I saw them yesterday. I wish I knew who thought of me.

Glory Box by Portishead

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just. . .
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever
Its time to move over... ...

Listen

Want

On occasion movies, or even music, will make me question my life. They make me look within and wonder, is this it, is this what I am, is this my best life? They make me want, rather, crave a richer and more meaningful life. To squeeze more from the moments in my life and let the juice run down my arm. They often make me long for a life very different than the one I’m living, often one to the extreme. Like selling everything and actually experiencing that list of “Places to be explored”. Or, taking time off to learn something completely and utterly new. Or, finding more substance or significance in relationships between people.

But something holds me back. Is it fear? Probably, and can be as equal in its intensity as the need to make change itself. Ultimately this can cause me shame. Shame on not taking a risk or having faith enough in myself to feel confident to pursue something I want so desperately, causes me to pace in frustration.

This quest to find meaning, to explore the rich backdrop of life becomes physical. My feelings are at the skin’s surface…just waiting for the smallest of prodding to be released. I become reflective, perceptive and sensitive. Even brooding. Tears can come as easily as a smile and it’s often the smallest of things that can elicit these responses. And I long for a soul who can understand and recognize this contradiction. Who will hold my hand and gently pull me to help gain my momentum, to watch me find my legs and share my excitement as I turn back and smile at him when I’ve begun my journey.

Getting my stuff done

I’m so good at getting stuff done in order to make it easier to really get my stuff done.

I think this is my life.

Word Power

Word Power
by R. H. Grenville

Words
spoken lightly
but with positive intent
are like seeds carried by the wind.
They will come to rest somewhere;
take root, bear fruit.

Sometimes, in a darkened place,
a desperate hour,
bright reassuring words
of beauty, love and truth
burst into flower.

Views from above

The best part of flying for me is looking out the window. I know how juvenile that may sound, but I’m in love with the clouds, the land and the perspective of the world at 30,000 feet. Every trip is different with Mother Nature revealing another facet of her infinite creativity.

This recent trip the clouds took me to Africa. Imagine a savanna comprised of cool, frothy egg whites, and far in the distance, clouds dotting the horizon shaped exactly like the umbrella acacia trees and all awash with just a whisper of pink.

Not sure of what an umbrella acacia tree is – find one here:

On the way home, a completely different impression. On our decent into the city, looking out into the dark sky and seeing the Light Bright image of home.

For online Lite Bright fun – click here.

Past trips made me open my journal and begin writing the view I was seeing. Here is an excerpt from that entry:

“On a plane from Vegas to home. Empty flight and a full aisle to myself. Sitting watching the world through the window. It’s 5:30pm and the sun is beginning to set and it’s casting amazing light onto the desert and mountains. Initially the landscape made me think of corduroy and how I wanted to run my thumb along it’s ridges and feel the texture. Then, while flying over the Grand Canyon, it reminded me of macramé. The open weave of layers of earth in variations of colors, that pressed and tied together, make the whole. Later, the land turned into silk shantung. I wanted to feel the smooth texture of the silk with the sudden imperfection caused by a gully or roll in the earth. Now, it’s suede I see through my window. The variations of color and subtle texture. Finally velvet. I want to drag my fingers against its grain feeling the richness of the earth…and seeing a road like a small imperfection in the vastness of the fabric of the land. This would make a great exhibit. Photographs of the landscapes mounted alongside the fabrics they remind me of. Seeing the picture and then closing your eyes and touching the fabric. Great sensory stimulant.”

What do you see when you look out the window?